“The most destructive form of praise is the kind explicitly intended to reinforce what the child is doing. When we’re advised to ‘catch children being good’ and then give them a verbal dog biscuit, this is a calculated attempt to manipulate them with conditional love.” -Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting

As a public school teacher, praise for good behavior was a big part of my classroom management style. Although it worked temporarily, I have learned that it isn’t about why I did it (to keep control in my classroom so the content I was to teach would be heard), but rather how the kids experienced it: as a form of conditional acceptance or (for those who were not praised) as a form of non approval/withholding of acceptance from me.

Now, as a Self-Directed Education facilitator, I sometimes find myself yearning to use praise to cajole kids into getting ready to go home at the end of a long day, or to eat a snack, or to be kind. It’s important for me to remember in those times the BIG picture, the long game. If I manipulate, it works in the short term, maybe, but in the long term- that child feels manipulated and controlled, and trust will weaken. If we ask kids to trust us as ADULT facilitators, in a society where everywhere else adults uses rewards and punishments to manipulate and control, we have to show them unconditional acceptance and love free of these elements.