This semester, I have been slowly working through Alfie Kohn’s “Unconditional Parenting” book and have been learning A LOT. I’ll be sharing some quotes and reflections here. Please feel free to add your own comments, ideas, questions, and reflections by commenting on this post.

“One evening my three year old son resists- mostly by inaction and selective hearing- my repeated requests to finish his game and get undressed. As the minutes tick by, I give him the choice of taking off his shirt or having me do it. He doesn’t respond, so I take it off and carry him upstairs. He cries loudly, miserably, inconsolably, wailing that he wanted to do it himself. I remind him (gently and rather reasonably, I think) that he had the opportunity to do so and didn’t take advantage of it. But he’s crying and he’s three, and I’m talking to myself. 
Now he wants to go back downstairs and have me put his shirt back on again so he can take it off himself. No, I tell him, it’s too late. I’m looking ahead, thinking about the clothes still to be removed and the waiting bath that’s losing its warmth. But he’s not ready to look ahead or move forward. We’re at an impasse-until I realize that I’m being as irrational as he is. My insistence on doing things my way is not only making both of us unhappy but wasting time…as a result of my resistance to giving up control, it take an hour or two before his smile returns and our relationship is repaired.”

The situation Kohn describes reminds me of a conversation I was having with one of our EPIC parents about the idea of respect. I think our view of respect is wrapped up a lot in our need to control. When a learner at EPIC doesn’t immediately respond to a request from a mentor, most of society (and sometimes even the mentor) views this as a direct disrespect towards the mentor and their request. As a parent, it’s hard to see your own children do this knowing when you were a kid, your parent “never would have let you be so disrespectful”. At the same time, in order to shift old paradigms of oppression from previous generations, we have to do something different than our parents did. 

In the conversation, I shared that sometimes when I initially feel that “disrespect”, I try to look inward and consider if I need to adjust my expectations of another human being. I think about how I would treat my partner, that I would not expect him to jump up at my every request, like stopping mid-project to unload the dishwasher, and that with my request, I would honor and acknowledge that he is in the middle of something important to him. Our learners deserve to be SEEN and treated in this same way. If I am imposing my agenda on them, on my timeline, without context of what is important to them in that moment and what need they are meeting for themselves, I will meet immediate resistance (as I should). I am learning it is easier to release control when I set the intention to understand, be curious, ask questions, acknowledge needs and find compromise or plan that meets the needs of both parties. 

*The key word there is learning. I am always learning and unlearning, making mistakes and making amends. The kids teach me every single day.*